How does one dispose of a vibrator?

A rather belated spring-clean has resulted in the discovery of a number of redundant household items which now require disposal. Amongst them a defunct kettle, a teetering pile of unused crockery, several mateless earrings and a vibrator.

It’s been broken for ages. In fact it broke soon after purchase and well within any recognised period of guarantee. It’s just that there’s something about the genre of product which makes one reluctant to request a refund. So it has languished at the back of my sock drawer to be thrown away.

How on earth does one dispose of a vibrator? I suspect – although I haven’t tried – that on this occasion my usual Freecycle and charity shop outlets are out of the question. I would have dropped it in the bin but the weather has been particularly gusty recently and I worry about my wheelie bin tipping over and strewing its contents across the driveway. Besides, although I try to be militant about identity theft measures, there’s always a bit of rogue direct mail which could link me to the errant appliance. Oh the shame of it.

Perhaps I could take it to the tip. Clearly I would have to wear a disguise – some dark glasses, a hat, maybe a beard. I’ll drive straight up to the largest depository and hurl it in before wheel-spinning away in a cloud of sexual mystique. But there’s always a man in a fluorescent jacket over-seeing affairs, ready to roar admonishments should you attempt to sneak half-filled toxic paint tins out of your car boot.

“Hey you! Lady with the beard and the dildo!” I simply couldn’t bear it.

I feel that in these times of global warming and environmental awareness I should be at least making an attempt to recycle it. I’ve disposed of the batteries through the appropriate channels, but perhaps I could break it down into its constituent parts. What is it made of? Well, there’s definitely plastic. And rubber. Quite lot of rubber actually. But gosh, it’s terribly rigid and difficult to snap. They make them awfully robust nowadays – perhaps I should keep hold of it as a protective device, in case of intruders. I could keep it by the front door.

Simply hurling it from my car window carries too many risks. What if I were to be stopped prior to completing my mission by some friendly policeman wanting to take down my particulars for a speeding transgression? Would he search me and list the contents of my bag; purse, sunglasses, nine inch flexible friend..? The District Council are clamping down on fly-tippers, employing covert cameras in their war on rubbish. Just imagine the in-laws pouring over grainy images released to the local paper for identification. I’d never live it down.

I think I will have to bury it. Not in my own garden, obviously, but perhaps I will take a walk into the countryside with a shovel and the offending article wrapped in brown paper. Would it be damaging to the soil? I don’t want the ripple effect from my vibrator to have an adverse effect on this year’s crops. Oh, and I’d forgotten about dogs. A pair of Jack Russells round here can spot a freshly filled hole in the blink of a yap. Even if it doesn’t contain quite the sort of bone they were after.

No, it’s no good, it’s going back in the drawer until the next spring-clean. I’ve given it a spray of Pledge though.




This post won a Brilliance in Blogging award as the funniest posts of 2010.  Somewhat astonishingly I was also a joint winner in the 'Outstanding in their Field' category. I'm just not sure what field they mean...